This weekend I went for a long walk in the woods where my pal Katie (who I haven't seen in such a long time due to us not having any classes together this year) and it ended up being an absolutely beautiful day. I don't think we saw a single person throughout the entire walk which was very refreshing and I realised that I need to stop taking the forest for granted and go for more walks.
I got dressed super fast which was maybe a bad idea because I ended up tearing my tights quite a bit on the brambles, oh well. The mouse ears are bona fida hen night ones (sadly I've never been to Disneyland) and have been lying around my room for a long time so I've decided to start wearing them. Speaking of my room, it is a horrendous mess which my rabbit has turned into a playground for herself. And every time I start to work on it I just get distracted and end up sitting drinking hot chocolate and watching her make nests in piles of school notes which I actually probably really need.
^Ponies. The grey one had a little short fringe which was the sweetest thing ever and they looked so cute and cosy in their rugs.
(I look so awkward and out of place here.)
Katie and I.
Exams are over at last (I did the last one today) and I'm working on sorting things out a little and calming down so I can improve my (awful) health before serious exams. Not sure where Febuary will go, January has been incredibly sad so far. Hope everyone is having a good week xxx
Belated happy new year to everyone. 2013 was a very complex and confusing year. It was the year I finally found a gang of amazing friends, had my first break up, dyed my hair blonde, red, neon pink, dark blue, dark pink, red again and light blue, turned 16, didn't grow AT ALL, wore out two pairs of Doc Martens and about twenty pairs of tights, used 3 rolls of film, threw my Blackberry out a third story window and smashed it, saw Tom Odell, Noah & the Whale, Martha Wrainwright and Dexy's Midnight Runners live, went to a (sort of rave), hung out in the graveyard a lot, filled five notebooks, used up three tubes of eyeliner, went to Larmer Tree, took a lot of selfies, trashed my health, changed bedroom, got a rabbit, gained an obsession with Joan Jett, walked 4 miles at 3am with some strangers and sat on a hillside with them as the sun rose and listened to Pink Floyd, decorated trees in the park, bought 3 prom dresses, ended up in A&E three times, cut my hair twice, gained 12 piercings (but took out 8 of them), brought a guitar and never used it, ate nine slices of cake in one go, drunk at least 70 bottle of lemon squash and 300 cans of energy drink and 4567898766 litres of coffee, read Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas on a sports' field at 1am whilst incredibly lost, went to the David Bowie exhibition twice, was in The Mail on Sunday, did two weeks work experience in a pet shop and had the best time ever, read a lot and wasted a lot of time and tried to be happy and sometimes succeeded.
I am looking forward to this year because 7 is my lucky number and as 14 is twice seven hopefully I shall be doubly lucky this year.
This will be the year I finish school and finally start college.
My hair is currently blue and I am hopefully getting my nose pierced in February.
I shall try to blog more often this year although it's probably not going to happen although I plan on using Instagram more.
Life is very confusing.
Just adding one more sentence to make it seven (see 2.)
I have been looking a lot at Francesca Woodman's photography lately whenever I'm uninspired because I love how melancholy and austere it is, so today I decided to take some black and white pictures with her work in mind. Black and white has become a little bit overused but I still love how it makes things so much calmer looking and more desolated. I also like how it makes my house look slightly derelict. Everywhere is being re-wallpapered and the light was really good this morning.
I got my old prom dress out again and it's still a bit big and floaty so it's the best for this kind of picture. I wore a vintage lace dress underneath too which isn't really visible.
(Blurred face is was genuinely intentional, I swear.)
This little cupboard reminds me of Coraline and I chose the silver birch wallpaper + an old mirror and my ouija board.
I dragged my rabbit into the picture once again. Not much else to say today because I have SO MUCH work to get done today after spending yesterday making paper chains and sitting in the doorway of an empty shop with Jemima whilst she drew and I am super tired.
Hello! I've been too cold/bogged down with exams lately to really take any interesting pictures, so here are some of me looking cold at the park this weekend and one of my rabbit. School work is swamping me a little although my French speaking and Drama performance are over now which is a huge relief because they were both taking up a lot of brain space. I played an angsty teenager called Angela in the 1970s in the Drama piece and wore huge platform shoes which was super fun. My Drama group are going to see the stage show of Woman in Black next week which I'm slightly terrified about. I'll probably also start working towards mocks which are in January fairly soon so I probably won't be posting much. My textiles project is also just starting to get interesting and I'm still working on my sixth form application. It's all pretty stressful and I'm sort of dreading Christmas because of the amount of revision I need to get done over the holidays.
This year is going crazily fast and I cannot fathom where the time since summer has gone.I spend most of my time by the fire with a gallon of coffee and a pile of blankets and I've started to work my way through Supernatural. On Sunday I ventured out to use a Topshop gift card and make the most of the piles of dry leaves in the park.
The white thing on my necklace is a rabbit's foot brooch which I brought at a car boot and which my real rabbit probably wouldn't be too happy about.
This weekend I'm going to London to buy fabric for my Textiles project and see some exhibitions so maybe I'll be able to post about that. Other than that I'm going to have to take a short internet break soon-ish because I'm frittering away far too much time on Tumblr etc at the moment.
So yep, that's it for now. Time to stop procrastinating and also TRY and get some sleep tonight (my brain will not let me sleep and it's driving me crazy.)
This year is sort of drifting away and everything seems to be happening amazingly fast. It's almost impossible for me to blog in the way I used to because my perception of the world has altered so drastically in the last few months and I'm not really the same person I used to be, something which seems, by turns, logical and confusing. Most of my time now seems to be spent reflecting back on events, the aftermath of everything seems to mean much more than the actual sequence of events. I make mix cds to remind me of particular nights and I record conversations and connections in my notebooks and I take pictures but the life I am cataloguing so carefully doesn't seem to really be my own. It all feels so disembodied. Most of the time I'm just sort of drifting along, making mental notes and jotting things down without ever really feeling connected to them. Why, when I have almost no sense of any self preservation do I worry so much about forgetting anything? Maybe it's due to that? Maybe that's how I channel the survival instinct most people seem to inherently act upon? There have been periods of time in my life where I have become so engrossed in being self destruction that they are simply remembered as blank spaces in my brain. My mind just pulled away and chose not to remember anything because maybe there's very little to remember. Was I really there, or did I chose to float away from myself? I have all the puzzle pieces but I can't fit them together, can't work out why things happened how they did, what prompted me to do certain things. There are words and facts and scars which don't belong to me. Writing has always been the only thing I've ever wanted to do as a result of the numerous narratives which forever crawl around my brain, shaky ideas which I've always taken as validation for my existence. I've always understood that despair and confusion and desperation are inescapable and omnipresent emotions and yet clinging to the idea that being able to create something tangible would change that.
Being alive seems remarkably tiring. Not tiring in the sense of not being worthwhile, tiring in terms of being far more complex than it technically should be. And, having finally come to terms with the fact that maybe life does go on, all I really want is to escape the rut I'm in. Finish school. Get out. Go somewhere new. Do something meaningful. Stop wasting time. Start feeling alive. Winter is coming which is a little scary because I do not handle cold and darkness and loneliness well at all. My walk home from school each night is probably my favourite part of the day. Sometimes it's dark by the time I leave and I walk through patches of light and patches of darkness under the glowing sodium street lamps, pine cones crunching under my feet and rain in my eyes. It always feels so disconnected, like moving between worlds, separate from everything. At that time of the evening in the winter everything is daubed in shades of orange and blue, the sky and shapes of trees blending together, the smudgy beams of car headlights, the shapes of lanky dogs loping around the park. Most of the houses I pass have all the lights on and I try to imagine the people in them and inhale the smells of cooking which waft from some of them. It's always cold, but not the uncomfortable kind of cold. And eventually, maybe in December or January I'll probably have to start getting the bus when it snows or whatever which I hate because no matter how cold or tired I am, I love those walks.
Once again I've lost the ability to ever really get much done. Procrastination and tiredness and incessant nightmares and late night panic attacks kinda kill productivity so I just try to read as many books as I can and keep writing my notebook and watch the odd movie. Exams are coming up which should shake me into motion. Maybe I'll start playing the guitar or knitting or something before I give up completely on things. Who knows. Writing all this here, rather than in my notebook like usual, is the most productive thing I've done today and it feels good to write something slightly substantial here, even if it makes very little sense. Maybe I should use this blog as more of a diary because it's hard to take pictures or anything at the moment.
Because this post needs something visual, have some collages of outfit-y pictures from my instagram, which is @bubblegumpopqueen. Planning my Halloween costume, a saturday a few weeks ago, stickers on my old window and a snake earring I borrowed from my mum.
Ebay purchases, my Teletubby rucksack and lame mirror selfies.
Candy from Maria, at a vintage fair, Patti Smith t-shirt at the gym and Nadia and I.
My Doc Martens and more mirror selfies. So, time for me to get off the internet and try and get some work done (HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH.)
I suppose it's a funny sort of coincidence that Lou Reed had been on my mind a lot in the few days before I heard about his death. Last week my form tutor asked us all which four people we'd invite to a fantasy dinner party and I immediately thought of him, Frida Kahlo, Joan Jett and Courtney Love (if it could be a slightly larger dinner party I'd also invite Bowie, Sylvia Plath, Shakespeare, Cherie Curie and Walt Disney.) I won't pretend to have been his biggest fan because it's kinda tiresome when people do that, but Lou Reed has fascinated me for a long time. I can pinpoint exactly the moment when I first heard each of the songs I love by him and Heroin is one of my all time favourite songs. It's the last song on the top secret mix CD I keep for the absolute worst moments in my life and I can't count how many times I've cried in the dark to it. So I've spent the last 24 hours listening to Perfect Day and Pale Blue Eyes on repeat and getting super emotional.
Half term is finally here which is good because I am exhausted (and weary and could sleep for a thousand years) and have so much coursework to catch up with. On the plus side I have found a college which is absolutely perfect and I finally have some motivation because I kinda have to get into it. I'll be able to do photography and textiles and english and it's near a forest so I can go for walks and everything is exciting. Pretty much all of my friends are staying on at our current school so the idea of leaving them behind is pretty daunting. But I'm excited for next year. It seems like a chance to escape the rut I've been in for far too long. And as is very evident in this picture, I decided that rather than constantly changing around my bedroom, the time is right to completely clear it out and sort of start again with things.
Anyway, this is what I wore on saturday for hanging out with a gang of awesome gurlz. We went to a Mexican restaurant and ate churros and burritos and then congregated at Lakota's house to watch Camp Rock, carve a pumpkin, eat cake and draw on things.
I also wore some badass false eyelashes which weighed like 10kg and nearly ripped off my eyelids. The dress is from H&M and if I cross my arms it says BO #classy.
Half term will probably consist of lots of work (she says) and maybe some more blogging. I don't know. I have neglected this blog far too much lately and when I do post it kinda just consists of rambling. It's just nice to keep it going.
This is just going to be an uber quick outfit post from a day in London last week where I went to see some art installations, ate salted caramel frozen yoghurt (which was amazing), tried on numerous dresses, ended up buying a coat, drunk a cookies and cream milkshake (which tasted of childhood) and got extremely lost in Selfridge's whilst trying to find the toilets, which was terrifying.
This is the coat I brought, which was from Topshop and reminds me a little of the movie Submarine. Last winter I wore my army jacket virtually every day so it's kind of nice to have something which is waterproof and not ridiculously heavy for this winter. I do not cope well with cold weather, mainly because I loathe taking buses and always walk everywhere. There was one day in December where my friend and I refused to cave in and get the bus and ended up walking through heavy snow in impractical shoes and no coats and were pretty certain we would die of hypothermia before we made it. No joke. There was also the time where some of us decided to go camping on what ended up being the coldest day of the year and someone actually got frostbite in her toes. So maybe this year I should actually be prepared for the winter.
My shoes are sort of visible here although I really need to take a close up because the painting on them is so beautifully detailed. Vintage shoes should have a little log book in the sole so you can find out who used to own them, because whoever painted these must have been pretty rad.
My CITIES ARE CALLING ME shirt is from H&M and the dress underneath is Warehouse. The shirt is weirdly similar to the Sibling one on the dummy in the background too.
Is it just me or has Blogger started completely murdering image quality? I've tried changing the compression code, which is what various websites recommend, but it seems to make it worse. I'm already missing the shade of pink my hair was. Also I kind of might be getting my nose pierced during the holidays if I'm brave enough.
Well, I guess it's now time to pump my brain full of caffeine and attempt to get some school work done. Thank god there's only a week left until half term which I have a few plans for and which will be a chance to catch up on sleep/reading and maybe posting on here.
I turned sixteen last monday and I guess it freaked me out a little. It's not like anything magically changed the second the clock struck midnight or whatever, it just feels so weird that my birthday has come around so quickly and I'm suddenly at the age where everyone expects me to start thinking about what I want to do once school finishes and I haven't even taken my exams yet and it's all kind of terrifying. My brain can't wrap itself around the fact that it has been a full DECADE since I was six. It's also crazy to think that this is my last year of school and I'm putting off looking at colleges for as long as possible. Staying where I am for sixth form purely for the sake of avoiding the stress of moving is a possibility, although I have a vague idea that a particular place is said to be reasonably artsy and fun and a few people I know are having a nice time there, but that's literally as far as I've got. Virtually every adult I speak to at the moment seems to bring it up though. One night during the summer I was, for no discernible reason, sat in a huge, wood smoke filled tipi at 4am, surrounded by half asleep people is baggy jumpers who all seemed to roll about fifty cigarettes an hour and also appeared to all be in folk bands. A battered guitar was being passed around and a guy with glow sticks looped through his stretchers sung Landslide by Fleetwood Mac and someone else sung Fisherman's Blues by the Waterboys and a few others played folk songs which I've heard numerous times but don't know the names of. It all felt so peaceful and free and I didn't really know anyone there so I was comfortable anonymous. And then someone sat down next to me on a sheepskin rug, sized me up and asked the usual question; "So what are you doing once you finish school then?" It felt so bizarre to be asked that same stupid thing in that kind of situation. I think I mumbled something about not being sure and then wandered outside and sat on some grass, staring up at the stars until the sun began to rise. I'm sick of thinking about it. Childhood and adulthood both seem an awfully long way away, in opposite directions. Simple things have suddenly become very unnerving so I've been spending longer and longer every night writing in my notebooks. They aren't really for recording happenings in my life, more for endless pages of me arguing with myself and trying to rationalise the way my brain works and as a way of looking for some kind of plus side to all the horrible things I'm going through. It's getting colder every day and soon it will be time for me to move my pets back into my bedroom and start spending long evenings curled up on my rug with my rabbit, reading and drinking too much coffee. Or so I'm trying to tell myself. Everything seems so far away at the moment.
So, a vague photo diary from my birthday. I got various books and nice clothes and music from family and a lot of glitter related stuff from my friends because they know me too well.
I celebrated with a small group of people who are the best and it was loosely based on the 7 deadly sins, hence the banners which I made (peacocks for pride, money for greed, donuts for gluttony.)
Paper stars hung from the ceiling.
This dress is my prom dress which I brought from Clobber a few weeks ago. It is a dance costume and although prom is so far away it's super dreamy and I kind of had to have it. There are tiny sea shells on the sleeves and little feathers on the skirt and so many perfect details.
These pictures are really awful quality and I'm kind of hoping that's because of my clumsy editing and not my camera getting old?
Alice made a rainbow striped cake with popping candy and glittery stars and it was the prettiest thing ever.
Pizza, balloons and Donnie Darko.
So, let's just see where this week, the stack of books I brought on eBay today and some tentative plans I'm making take me this week.